Wedding Bells Are Ringing! RUN!

This is a 2 part post. The first part is about surviving today's Jewish wedding, the second is on the architecture of the common wedding hall. Feel free to pick and choose which one you're going to read...

A Stranger's Guide to the Jewish Wedding

By: Will Jew & Mary Mei

Over the break I've been to a few weddings, some I was cordially invited to, others I was summoned through tertiary sources. All in all, I didn't enjoy all of them. The one I most enjoyed was for a neighbor. What made it fun was the ambiance of the hall and the people that surrounded me.

People NOT included: My parents.

Their absence always takes some pressure off of me. Not that I don't love them, but catering to them at some one else's wedding always seems embarrassing and plain ol' weird. But what can you do? Can't live with them for the rest of your life, can't live without them yelling for something else every few minutes.

The price we pay as children.

Here are the survival tips for weddings:

• BRING EARPLUGS!!!!
• Loud music will kill you.
• Always make eye contact with everyone.
• Don't shy away. Or else everyone will shy away from you.
• Smile, wave if you want to, and always say "Mazel Tov!" as least awkward as possible.
• Always move around if you have nothing to do.
• Don't end up being the weird invitee that came looking for companionship and only found the children's table.
• Converse if possible.
• Everyone is looking for someone to talk to - if you're not the creepy invitee.
• Don't fill up on food.
• Don't sit alone eating.
• But you may if you have a cellphone.
• Bring a cellphone.
• Do NOT get drunk at a wedding.
• Unless you have a plan.
• If you're comfortable enough, go over to the women's side and find a nice girl to talk to.
• Everyone is looking for someone to talk to - if you're not the creepy invitee.
•  Walk around with your hands behind your back, not wrapped in front.
• It shows sophistication.

This about sums up all you need to know about the first half of the wedding ceremonies. What happens next can be construed as a nuisance.
The Chasson has to come over to the Kallah's side.
All trumpeting-heck breaks loose and all of the Chasson's friends are a bit tipsy because they've been obviously drinking because they don't know any other way to get excited about their friend "tying the knot"... I never understood that one.

At this point the crowd is either moving forward or backwards, but mostly pushing and shoving in all directions to "get the party started".

• Move to the side to avoid any scuffles.
• Remember those earplugs!
• Trumpets are hiding behind every corner.

Once you've survived the trance ordeal, it's time to make your way to the Chupah and to find a seat.
Many times... No wait... All the time, the Chasson's closest friends and their crashing friends will stand next to the Chupah because it's the best place to hang out and you don't have to stand up to see the Bride and Groom walk down the aisle, as it is customary to do so. You may join these "friends" who are continuing their alcoholic journey through the wedding procession if you have a plan and are comfortable with yourself.

Otherwise, find a seat.

Here's how to pick a good seat. The key is to get it before everyone starts piling in.
If you want to see the aisle: Get that seat all the way at the far end where you'll have to cross 10 - 15 people to get out of it.
If you want a seat with a good view of the aisle and the Chupah: Get a seat in the middle or next to the far end (away from the aisle).
If you want a quick exit strategy: Take that far end seat, all the way in the back where you get to see the Bride and Groom walking in and nothing else after that.
If you want a good view of the ladies... Good luck. Usually the older women (and mothers) take the aisle seats. If you're comfortable, try standing on the women's side. Or get that female friend you were talking to earlier to hide you behind your stunning blue dress she bought just for the wedding for her best friend from high school that she went to Semetary (That's an Israel Semenary that brainwashes their students... long story) with for a few months before she switched out and partied all year.

After the Groom breaks the glass, yell "Mazel Tov!", and start clapping. Clap your hands 'til it hurts! And don't forget the earplugs. The trumpets will be out again. When they're out, you can be sure the herd of drunk best frie-lephants will be charging somewhere. Get out of the way.

The rest of the wedding you can relax about. It's just eating and dancing. Both of which are voluntary.


If you need more tips, or if I left something out, please let me know, dear reader ;)